It’s 135 miles from Jerusalem to Damascus. A five or six day trip walking at a fast clip. Two or three on a horse. Whichever way he traveled, Saul had plenty of time to consider his mission as he went on his way. An upstart sect of Judaism was getting some traction in the region and Saul was among those trying to suppress it. Acts gives us a highly dramatic story about it all. Practically frothing at the mouth, Saul journeys to Damascus to haul any blasphemers there back to Jerusalem for. His mission is stunningly upended, though. On the road “a light from heaven” surrounds him and brings him to his knees. Jesus speaks to him within the vision and he learns he is to continue to Damascus and wait for directions. Blinded by the light, Saul needs to be led the rest of the way by his servants.
The story in Acts, completed between 70 and 90 AD, continues, and tells of a follower of the Way who learns in a vision that he is to go see Saul. He restores Saul’s vision and baptizes him. Saul (now Paul) begins preaching immediately, angers some people, and heads to Jerusalem to consult with the apostles.
Writing around 50 AD, Paul himself tells a very different version of his vision’s aftermath. He describes time spent in “Arabia” followed by a return to Damascus. After three years he visits Jerusalem, meeting only with Cephas/Peter and James the brother of Jesus.
Both tellings of the story make one thing entirely clear. Paul had a vision of Christ that utterly changed his life. A vision of the Resurrected One so powerful and all-encompassing, in fact, that he felt no need to learn much at all from those who had known Jesus, heard him preach, seen him heal, and watched him die. This, I think, must have made the controversial ex-persecutor even more controversial. (Fortunately for his reputation, he could write letters that others preserved. The other apostles didn’t have that advantage). Paul staked his claim to apostleship on a vision of the resurrected Jesus. Nothing else mattered.
The power of the vision he experienced is astonishing. Paul was a Roman citizen. A literate and well-educated Pharisee acquainted with classical philosophy and rhetoric. A man reliant on rational discourse as well as the give and take of scriptural interpretation. A man with a well-established identity and a clear mission. But then…
…the sheerly inexplicable occurs. A vision of Jesus appears, challenging Saul’s mission and altering his identity. Saul transforms and becomes Paul. He takes up the mantle of apostleship and dedicates his life to preaching and interpreting his version of the Good News.
Eventually.
Paul needed some time to sort life out a bit.
Acts gives us a Saul so stunned by his vision that he is struck blind. He can’t see the world through old eyes, old perspectives, old understandings. He stumbles around in total darkness for three days (which could, I imagine, feel like an eternity). His world has been shaken to the core; confusion and uncertainty prevail. The hero-worshiping author of Acts sends Paul into a profound wilderness, but only briefly.
Galatians describes a far less instant turnaround. Paul ventures into a literal desert wilderness among unknown people and places. He spends time far from the centers of belief and culture. He spends time letting go of who he had once been and discerning who he was meant to be in a new life.
Paul’s vision of the resurrected Christ catapulted him into a wilderness time. A time of confusion…a time of uncertainty about who he was after his encounter with Christ…a liminal space between two very different versions of his life.
If we’re to believe Paul’s words, one of the most powerful visions of Christ in the New Testament took somewhere around three years to sift and sort before a new mission began to manifest.
I take a strange and genuine comfort in this. But I didn’t always.
A long time ago I used to wish that I would somehow be struck by lightning. Struck by some clear vision or sense of what I was supposed to do with my life. After all, I thought, isn’t that what happens to people in the Bible? But instead of being struck that way, a very different word came to me. A really smart and wise therapist challenged my fantasy. “That’s a pretty passive approach to life, isn’t it?” she said. I had to agree. And I became a little more proactive about my life.
Since then I have also learned, over and over, that even those in the Bible who were thunderstruck by God one way or another (like Paul) weren’t necessarily graced with clarity. Not by a long shot. Many spent years in wilderness and discernment, continuously seeking next steps toward new life.
That’s worth remembering. When we’re feeling confused or unsettled we’re following in the footsteps of all the biblical prophets and teachers. That’s part of the sojourn.
Whatever road we’re on, the glimpses we get of Christ, and the glimpses we get of new life…transformation…resurrection are less dramatic than Paul’s. They might be as simple as:
- Having a moment of grief and crying until we experience some relief.
- Seeing the work of others carrying hope for ourselves and the world.
- Learning that this month an otter was seen in the Detroit River for the first time in a century.
- Hearing that Christian Peacemaker Team delegations are preparing for trips of witness and solidarity for the first time in more than two years.
- Acquiring wisdom from others, both young and old.
- Praying and meditating and finding that internal shifts and new insights emerge. Perhaps slowly, but they do.
As disciples of Christ we are on a mission to help build the reign of God. To show compassion and manifest grace. If we are attentive and faithful a word of life comes to us. More than once, even. Just not very dramatically, probably.
So we must always be listening. And we must be willing to actively engage whatever wilderness we are in. Praying and pondering. Adjusting the trajectory we have been on…willing to take a detour for a bit…willing to pause in our wildernesses of grief and confusion and uncertainty…and considering what the Word of Christ among us has to say to each of us and all of us.
And may we let that Word of grace and the Good News of love unfold within our lives and our ministry as beloved children of the creator.
-Rev. Ruth Moerdyk
Scripture: Acts 9:1-9; Galatians 1:11-24